There are alot of things that just seem to go wrong in life, and a lot the time I can only see what the other person did. Usually blinded to what I did.
The most infamous phrase used is " you made me...". I'm just now realizing how often I say that, sometimes I feel that it is so embedded in me that its like a second skin, a cover up if you will. Its crazy.
I've been in this strange place for the past couple of weeks and it just got stranger as of this week. It is so funny that wne you get in a place of content, God SHAKES it up for you. At this moment I'm TOO greatful.....you have no idea. Here's what's been going on.
For about roughly the last 3 or 4 months, I have begun to like a guy, out of the blue. For me this is abnomal because, I knew him previously and had NO interest in him, and it was just like I looked up and BAM!! It was so strange, anyway. This whole summer I hadn't really interacted with him, keeping my distance in serious NEED of a heart check. A LARGE ONE!!!
I spent the summer running away from the thoughts of him and eventually surrendering them to God, so that He could deal with it and my heavy laden heart. In the midst of all of that, a good ole distraction came along and I took the bait and almost was "hooked-lined-and SUNK".
Upon my return from my summer away, I returned with a different mindset, one that was much wider, broader, and deeper about my self and others. And for the first time, I was able to see deeper into the words that other people say, hear God more clearly as well as understand my own actions. Believe me, it's not perfected, it is more of an opened line of communication, between God the world and I.
And as I interacted with this guy, I began to see things that I had never seen before, and questions I had were answered with out actually posing the question to him. In turn, I've been able to see my self and my mannerisms more clearly. For example, in the midst of a meeting he says something and I punched him in his arm . . . yes, I am 21 and I punched this man in his arm, like we were 10. It was ok at first and he laughed it off but then I did it a couple more times and he turned to me and asked "why are you hitting me . . . do you feel vulnerable?" AND I stood there, mouth dropped open and stunned and I couldn't seem to function from that point on. I mean I did ok, but I had to literally drop it out of my mind, completely. It was painful. But it caused me to think about why I was really hitting him, and the primary example I came up with was from middle school and high school.
When I was younger, I wasn't what I felt like to be the prettiest girl or even the most well liked. There was always some one prettier than me. I was always different, and I was never percieved as being "black" but "wierd" and "strange", and people picked as a target for fights. As I grew up feeling like I had to defend myself, I was to be percieved as tough by both the girls and the guys. I never let a guy touch me and if he did, i let him know just how it made me feel. Guys learned to leave me alone becuase "she don't play". I never wanted anyone to think that they had the opportunity to hurt me emotional or physically. I even talked lke I would hurt someone, my used to joke because I would say " I'ma bust him in the face if he.......". They thought it was funny, I laughed along with them.
But as I have realized that it is a defense mechanism, that I have carried all the way from my childhood, and it is manifesting itself even in my adulthood. And I was shocked, really shocked. I can actually see my protective hard shell, all the while I was just going around and not realizing the unnatural growth on my body. Trying to keep my vulnerable soft skin from being bruised, I've made it more sensitive and more suseptible to infection and pain.
IN OTHER WORDS....."I HYPED MYSELF UP TO BE THIS ROCK WHEN I WAS MEANT TO BE A ROSE."
With this revelation of self, I've had to ask God to show me myself, and I mean my real self. I've ben such a tosser and turner....not really knowing how I should feel and debating between how I should really react and by whose standards. Confusing, right? Too much, and soo deep that the scars are painful.
Last fall, my big sister/campus minister gave me a scripture to help me and my sister/best friend to focus on.
"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I rise up and when I sit down
you discern my thoughts from afar
You searh out my path and my lying down and are
aquainted with ALL my ways..."
We became acquainted with this Psalm and it began to live in me. To know that God is the one is fully aware of all the things that I go through, and He more knowledgeable about my own issues than I am. Crazy, right?? NOT CRAZY, MAGNIFICENT.
In the midst of me trying to figure out who I am, by trail and error and self definition....i've come to the conclusion that "who better to ask about the hardware but the creator." It's just that simple!! But of course not easily done......NO ONE ever said that "anything worth having would be easy".....that would be the biggest joke.
We loose out when we don't see the value of our own lives. We began to blame our outburst and mishaps on people simply for lack of self understanding. We think that they are making us "angry" "mad" or "upset" possibly "confused". When the reality is we should turn the mirror on oursleves and ask . . .
"Is It ME?"