Friday, September 25, 2009

Is It ME??

There are alot of things that just seem to go wrong in life, and a lot the time I can only see what the other person did. Usually blinded to what I did.

The most infamous phrase used is " you made me...". I'm just now realizing how often I say that, sometimes I feel that it is so embedded in me that its like a second skin, a cover up if you will. Its crazy.

I've been in this strange place for the past couple of weeks and it just got stranger as of this week. It is so funny that wne you get in a place of content, God SHAKES it up for you. At this moment I'm TOO have no idea. Here's what's been going on.

For about roughly the last 3 or 4 months, I have begun to like a guy, out of the blue. For me this is abnomal because, I knew him previously and had NO interest in him, and it was just like I looked up and BAM!! It was so strange, anyway. This whole summer I hadn't really interacted with him, keeping my distance in serious NEED of a heart check. A LARGE ONE!!!

I spent the summer running away from the thoughts of him and eventually surrendering them to God, so that He could deal with it and my heavy laden heart. In the midst of all of that, a good ole distraction came along and I took the bait and almost was "hooked-lined-and SUNK".

Upon my return from my summer away, I returned with a different mindset, one that was much wider, broader, and deeper about my self and others. And for the first time, I was able to see deeper into the words that other people say, hear God more clearly as well as understand my own actions. Believe me, it's not perfected, it is more of an opened line of communication, between God the world and I.

And as I interacted with this guy, I began to see things that I had never seen before, and questions I had were answered with out actually posing the question to him. In turn, I've been able to see my self and my mannerisms more clearly. For example, in the midst of a meeting he says something and I punched him in his arm . . . yes, I am 21 and I punched this man in his arm, like we were 10. It was ok at first and he laughed it off but then I did it a couple more times and he turned to me and asked "why are you hitting me . . . do you feel vulnerable?" AND I stood there, mouth dropped open and stunned and I couldn't seem to function from that point on. I mean I did ok, but I had to literally drop it out of my mind, completely. It was painful. But it caused me to think about why I was really hitting him, and the primary example I came up with was from middle school and high school.

When I was younger, I wasn't what I felt like to be the prettiest girl or even the most well liked. There was always some one prettier than me. I was always different, and I was never percieved as being "black" but "wierd" and "strange", and people picked as a target for fights. As I grew up feeling like I had to defend myself, I was to be percieved as tough by both the girls and the guys. I never let a guy touch me and if he did, i let him know just how it made me feel. Guys learned to leave me alone becuase "she don't play". I never wanted anyone to think that they had the opportunity to hurt me emotional or physically. I even talked lke I would hurt someone, my used to joke because I would say " I'ma bust him in the face if he.......". They thought it was funny, I laughed along with them.

But as I have realized that it is a defense mechanism, that I have carried all the way from my childhood, and it is manifesting itself even in my adulthood. And I was shocked, really shocked. I can actually see my protective hard shell, all the while I was just going around and not realizing the unnatural growth on my body. Trying to keep my vulnerable soft skin from being bruised, I've made it more sensitive and more suseptible to infection and pain.


With this revelation of self, I've had to ask God to show me myself, and I mean my real self. I've ben such a tosser and turner....not really knowing how I should feel and debating between how I should really react and by whose standards. Confusing, right? Too much, and soo deep that the scars are painful.

Last fall, my big sister/campus minister gave me a scripture to help me and my sister/best friend to focus on.

Psalm 139.....

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I rise up and when I sit down
you discern my thoughts from afar
You searh out my path and my lying down and are
aquainted with ALL my ways..."
(verses 1-3)

We became acquainted with this Psalm and it began to live in me. To know that God is the one is fully aware of all the things that I go through, and He more knowledgeable about my own issues than I am. Crazy, right?? NOT CRAZY, MAGNIFICENT.

In the midst of me trying to figure out who I am, by trail and error and self definition....i've come to the conclusion that "who better to ask about the hardware but the creator." It's just that simple!! But of course not easily done......NO ONE ever said that "anything worth having would be easy".....that would be the biggest joke.

We loose out when we don't see the value of our own lives. We began to blame our outburst and mishaps on people simply for lack of self understanding. We think that they are making us "angry" "mad" or "upset" possibly "confused". When the reality is we should turn the mirror on oursleves and ask . . .

"Is It ME?"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A New Day, A New Skin

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies NEVER come to an end;
they are NEW each and EVERY morning;
THANK YOU LORD!!!! Great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23 (emphasis added)

Whew, what a new day. It has been an amazing week since I found my blogspot email. I've been feeling the need to publicly write. It has been a crazy week but something has come out of it.

THIS WEEK, I bore my soul in front of my classmates and my friends. And I'm not done yet, I am a work in progress. Funny thing this morning is I heard a song on the radio, and I really didn't want to listen to the radio, and I was flipping through the channels. I finally just stopped and heard this song by Brandon Heath.

"There is hope, for me yet Because God won't forget All the plans he's made for meI have to wait and see He's not finished with me yet He's not finished with me yet."

*sigh* this is what I am really feeling, I was feeling this pressure to be complete, and be done. But as God has shown me, there is never just one goal to achieve. I used to think that once I achieved this one goal in life, that I was done. And now that I see that, it is kinda crazy, because if I achieve one goal, and i'm only meant for one goal and ONCE that goal is achieved, then my purpose is over.

But I realize, that this is NOT the way things work. In your body, your skin shed daily. WHY??? Because they have served their purpose, so it is time for them to slough off and for other ones to do their magic!!!
That is what life is like, you reach a point, and YAY!!! You have achieved it!!! NEXT POINT!!! and then you reach that point, again. THEN it is the same cycle over and over again. God is like that "The MASTER EXFOLIATOR". Once we reach the point of one skin pieces of our epidermis, and it's job is done, then we allow the underskin to replace the newer pieces of our epidermis to come to the top and shine and complete its purpose. Then, it will be time for the cycle to repeat itself after it has completed its purpose.

From my Anatomy and Physiology Class (I took in the 11th grade!!) I remember that skin, well atleast the epidermis, grows from the bottom up, meaning that like hair all of the "new growth" is not is what's seen. The "new growth" is the healthiest, the strongest, and the best fit for the new day. God works like this, every morining without fail, His mercies are brand new EACH MORNING. It makes me think of cereal, if every morning we wake up and there was a bowl of ceral there for our eating no questions asked. But then as time goes on and we realize its the same bowl, with the same milk and the same exact ceral, not to mention that its all getting old. What would happen, especially if you ate it all on the first day, you are all out!! The best part about God is when you wake up in the morning, there is a fresh bowl, with fresh milk and with right amount of ceral for that day and the best kind for the journey ahead. That is how God is .

Hey wakes you up and prepares you for the day with a new bowl of mercy each morning. Just right for the situation you are going through and just right for strength you are going to need for the day.

I'm glad I don't have to live on one days mercy for all my life....that's alot of rationing.


Monday, May 18, 2009

The Golden Rule : Sisters

Today, was a rather interesting day, I must say.

I almost forgot the golden rule.

No, "not treat others like you want to be treated", I have one for myself, personally.

It has the same meaning behind it, but it says more to me, as it deals with the complicated parts simply.

"Treat every guy like a brother and every girl like a sister. "

This causes me to give more of a pause when I am interacting with those around me. Growing up as an only child I have grown up with a rather interesting playmate.....myself. I've grown to see that it is quite easier to befriend myself than other people, I am always there and I don't have to go out of my way to spend time with myself, it's just not necessary.

Over the past three or four years, I have been presented with a new tast, realtionally. The time were most people seem to do better than most or so it appears. High school, was not as bad as I would've thought, but then again when you are used to being your own best friend, things seem to go over alot differently (i didn't say it was any easier). Middle school was horrible...... I screwed up in a lot of selfish ways, whilst trying to build friendships. First, by desiring relationship with a certain group of people, in order to fit it, black people. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm black so there shouldn't be a problem with this, right? Not true, when you feel like you don't fit in with your "own kind" it's kind of a blow to the self-esteem. But I tried and I tried, and eventually, I fit. And that's it, I fit, and I mean fit in the purest sense of fitting. I was like playdough or whatever that stuff is that lock smiths use to make keys.....that putty. I was putty jammed into a mold that wasn't my own and I fit. Some of the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE years of my life. Here I learned how to cuss, how to be a back stabber, be rude, to be quiet, to speak up, to ignore people, to give out of obligation, to give compliments when prompted, to fight other's battles, to talk back to my teachers and to wear lanolin oil lipgloss with black lipliner (that was really eyeliner).Time, afterwards I thought, wasted. But now a milestone.

Anyway, after my "MUST BE BLACK" phase, I entered High School with a better sense of who I was. I stopped tryin to fit in and I had my own friends, sorta.....i had my own click of people. But much like middle school nothing to brag about. (Key thing to note about this transistion, I had gone through a stage which most people call the "ugly duckling" stage, high school was my metamorphis!) Anyway, there were alot of people that I associated myself with, but that's just it, I associated myself with them, no friends, not for real. ( I do have childhood friends, but this story is not about them, that's a whole 'nother ball game!) Around my junior year, I met a girl, Zalia*, we met a program and it's funny how we met, there was a guy trying to talk to the both of us, and we just cliqued. Isn't that crazy!!! (By the way, a guy will be a large part of my female friendship and breakups.) After that summer, we jus became cool and even went to visit the guy, not good. He tried to push me off on his brother while he had his eye on her. I was devestated, i was thinking "this is why I don't even deal with other people, too much heartache." On our drive back, I did tell her, and well, you'd probably have to ask her how she took it. They did date for a while, and her and I, we are still friends to this day, we've been friends for about 4 or 5 years now.

Anyway, I don't want to get to far off on this friend tangent, but I will finish up with this. My senior year, I met a girl, Michelle*, she had just transferred from overseas and was new to the school. We sat right behind each other in Math. I don't even know how I became cool with her, we I think one day were talking about senior pictures retakes and realized that we both would be taking them on the same day. And from there I think we just became really cool. Fastforwarding to the Senior prom days, she ended dating this guy (here it goes, again!) and he had an ex-girl friend that just would not lay off. And at senior prom, I told my friend just to speak to the girl and maybe she wouldn't be so harsh. So at prom, I brought them face to face, not good. My friend was cool, but the other girl was not. After the encounter, my friend came to find me, upset and ablaze ( i mean, do you blame her). I went to the ex-girl, and tried to talk to her like a human, and she kept yelling, something in audible over the prom music. And before you know it (NO FIGHT) here come some classmates, yelling "don't fight" (what a way to instigate), and that just rilled her up. Needless to day, Michelle was upset with me, cuddled up with her boo. And all I could think was, "see this is why I choose to be alone, this is too much and dang that girl was not as put together as I thought she was. *sigh*." We are still friends today, going on about 4 year as well.

These situations have proved to me that, in my position in these situations, that I haven't always acted as the best friend and even today it still shows in some way. Its a work in progress. Reflection at 21 years old, is good.

Treating my sister, like a sister, would mean that I would care for her just as I care for my own sister, who is 17 ( I was raised an only child, but that doesn't mean I don't have siblings, she's my half sister). Whenever we talk about life topics, I always put myself in the situation and that helps me give her the most loving and truest advice, it also helps me treat her like I'm supposed to, if that makes sense. Let me explain, I'm older than her and I am able to give her advice about situations that I have already been in, i.e. college, guys, our Father ( a whole 'nother story ). I want her to do well, so I do what is loving and right and not always what's right in my eyes ( this had to grow on me ). I had to learn (and still learning) to give her the infalliable truth, not my opinion, and when she goes against it, tell her.

I'm learning that loving my friends, other women, like sisters, is much more than just telling them that I love them but caring enough to do the Godly thing by them and help them acknowledge when they are off track, but more importantly encourage them by letting them know that they aren't the only ones with this trouble.

" Do not rebuke and older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women, in all purity."
1 Timothy 5:1 & 2